Words.

I need to write.

But what exactly is it that I wanna say? Sometimes I don't even know. I have all these words just jumbled up inside me just wanting to spill out. This is kinda a gross discription but you know how you get when you feel like you wanna throw up? That nauseous, achy,  gagging feeling? Yea, well that's me. But what's in me that I subconsciously wanna get out. What am I holding back?

Is it sad that I even don't know?

Words.

They can say all the right things, and all the wrong things. Sometimes even make you feel stupid. And right now I feel stupid for even writing this down. What makes my words so important? 
I think I am avoiding something. The truth. I won't go into detail right now but you know the saying, "The truth shall set you free"? Well I think that is total bull. I mean yea, you need to speak the truth but to what extent. To where it can ruin a friendship where you're trying your hardest to build this foundation and to continuously build on it. To say those impossible words that are the hardest. It can change everything. It will change everything.

I like where I am at. I am content. I am happy. Why do I put myself in these situations and tell myself "Oh Alyssa, It's time that you make your life even harder and put this friendship on the line"

Many of you reading this won't know what I am talking about and possibly think this girl is crazy, but you know what, I'm sorry. I am still not brave enough to write in my own blog which I know nobody reads since its just my rants of the day. Its not an educational blog but just a "my daily thought process" blog. 

Words will never be an easy thing for me. I am very weird at expressing myself(if you can't tell with this post at the moment). I hold it in, with the fear of being hurt. I have had enough hurt for this year. I am going to be happy and I think in order to achieve that I need to stay quiet. I can't afford to put myself out there. Not right now.

My friends tell me if not now, then when? Between you and me, I haven't put myself out there... ever. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of being happy, then having the happiness taken away. What kinda life am I living? I'm insecure, scared, and unable to put myself out there. I wish I was like other girls. Outgoing, energetic, pretty.

STOP! I need to stop it. I am the way that I am because that is how I was built and that's how God made me. I need to be okay with myself. I need to be and I will be. Sheesh! What a dramatic girl I am being tonight! hehe What is up with me. Well I decided that since I am no good with words I will start posting songs along with what I am trying to say. The songs may not always be what my topic is of the day but it will express the feelings I have when I am writing.

"Music says the words that we're to afraid to say out loud."

I am going to try every day to write in this. If not, then every other day. I need to work on my words and expressing them. See?? The past two posts I have told myself what I need to work on. Look at me doing self therapy and stuff hahaha

Well goodnight from Southern California, and hopefully my next post won't be as weird.
Til mañana mis amigos!